Monday, June 8, 2009

Get thee behind me

Worm is the devil's spawn.  

Really.

I am now convinced that Worm was not conceived in Hawaii.  I believe we entered a twilight zone on the plane ride home from Hawaii.  While in this zone the devil boarded the plane, impregnated me, and then erased everyone's memory.

I'm not joking.  

I can no longer accomplish anything in a timely (or even uninjured) manner.  He has entered the "tiny control freak" stage of toddler-hood.  When Huck was in this phase he cried a lot. That's it. Cried. Some extra hugs, a few firm yet reassuring words and he was good to go.

Worm. Freaks. The. Fuck. Out. Over. Everything.

Here's a run down of the more memorable freak outs from the past few weeks:

Leaving the Park to go to Chick-Fil-A:  He was hungry and thirsty and had clearly indicated he would like to have "Chick" and "Lem-Nade".  I am not sure what set him off, maybe because I carried him instead of letting him walk across the blistering parking lot? He shrieked his way to the car and then did a backbend in his car seat that would have impressed Madonna's yoga instructor.  It took nearly ten minutes to get him securely buckled.  I did not raise my voice even one time.  I did, however, bite the inside of my lip so hard that I have canker sores in two places.

Sunscreen : Worm :: Holy Water : Devil  

Leaving Best Buy: The candy machines set him off.  He was all cool with leaving until I said no to the candy machines.  He was so mad that he actually kicked me in the head (repeatedly) while I buckled him in.  I did yell this time.  Can you hold your shit together while someone kicks you about the face and head?  If you answered 'yes', you just won yourself a toddler.

Bath time: Clearly there is hydrochloric acid in our bath water.

The end of bath time:  Seriously? You just screamed your head off throughout this entire bath and now you're pissed because it's over?  You're killing me here.

Crackers: We're out of all forms of crackers.  Worm climbed up on the kitchen counter, got down the phonebook, looked up the number for SCAN and said "don't make me call them, lady."  Okay, so that one is an exaggeration, but give him six more months.  He WAS irate for about half an hour over the crackers. 

Wal-Mart: screamed NOOOO NOOOO NOOOO from the check-out to the car. A lady actually followed me to my car and watched me buckle him in.  I thought she was making sure I didn't beat him once I got him in the car.  Instead she helped me put the groceries in the back and then gave me a hug. Huggers generally creep me out, but I was too weak to resist.

These are just the ones I have the energy to write about.  He melts down about 6 times a day. He is awake about 10 hours/day.  I'm too tired to even do the math. It's a butt-load of tantrums, how's that for mathematical precision?

11 comments:

  1. Ok....I'm glad Huck came along first or I would only have one nephew! And don't ever let anyone tell you that Worm takes after his aunt...I was NOT the spawn of Satan. I just acted like it on occasion!

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  2. PS...he's awfully damned cute though, isn't he?

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  3. Take photos and videos of said tantrums. Otherwise, Chi would never believe me that Rhys' fits are like slow walks on warm rainy days compared to his hikes through Death Valley. Plus, there is something restorative about poking them in the eye, so to speak, when they are so upset. Chi hated me taking his picture when he was mad.

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  4. I'll take the little guy! We might just be busom buddies! I bet I could give him a run for his money! Plus, I'd wear his little ass out if he kicked me. I'll get him straightened out in San Diego! Either that or I'll drink a lot and not really notice that he's a holy terror.

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  5. Nessercake, I will video a few tantrums. If only for payback when he starts to date (or at least really good birth control - if his tantrums don't make a teenage boy limp with fear I don't know what will).

    Jo, I call dibs on heavy drinking in San Diego.

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  6. YOU ARE SOOOO FUCKING FUNNY>>>I BOUT PEED IN MY PANTS READING THIS ONE AND YOUR COMMENTS!!!

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  7. It is sooooo weird how brothers (and sibs in general) can be so different. Being an only child, I just assumed that all my children would be like my first born - pretty easy going. Worm may be a bit more difficlult than my second born (God bless Worm) but I still refer to Oliver as my "greatest challenge". I think he will always be, even after the toddler years.

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  8. Okay, I laughed so hard at this post I had tears in my eyes . . . I can hardly see to type this! You are freakin' hilarious!!!

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