Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A rare beast, indeed

This morning, I stopped to get coffee before my big $500 shopping spree and encountered a rare beast: sweaty-from-his-workout-inappropriate-cell-phone-rude-to-service-people-guy. I've run across sweaty guy, cell phone guy, and rude guy plenty of times.  They aren't that rare, know what I'm sayin'? But the cross breed?  It was a truly spectacular sighting.

So dude's in front of me in line, and he's not just kinda sweaty.  There are rivulets of sweat running down his legs from parts of his body I really don't want to be considering.  I actually slipped in a small puddle of jerk sweat when I stepped up in line.

Then his phone rings and he proceeds to have a conversation that forces me to further consider the sweatier parts of his body.  Yup, he went there.  Loudly.  In a lovely little local coffee shop.

When it's his turn to order, he's rude in that 'I was just being funny' way that's never actually funny.  After placing his order, he demands the clerk recite it back.  Large vanilla latte.  That's it. It's not like he was making sure she understood he needed skim because he's calorie counting or soy because he's lactose intolerant.  Large. Vanilla. Lots of milk and foam.  Even I remember, and I've been trying to forget all damn day.  With the order confirmed, she asks his name to write on his cup. He tells her it's Frank.  As she starts to write, he says, "My name's, not really Frank? Did you think I was serious? Do I look like a Frank?"  The girl just calmly says, "What would you like me to put on your cup, sir?"

Finally, he steps away.  I look at the clerk and say, "I would have just written Dick on his cup." She picks up his cup, turns it over, and draws a tiny little penis on the bottom.  I gave her a high five and put $3.00 in the tip jar.


  1. That is hilarious! And I so want to know what he was saying on the phone. Cuz if you leave it up to my imagination, I can go to all kinds of low places! So, pray tell. Any you should so be a barista...but you'd probably get fired within an hour or two with your sharp tongue and intolerance for rude idiots!

  2. did the shopping trip go?

  3. Dude was talking about how he got hit in the nuts during a ball game. Except he said "nailed in the nards", do people over the age of twelve actually say nards?

    Shopping went great. I have all sorts of new things for Vegas and San W.

  4. Cool...can't wait to see! The clothes, not the nards! And, no...I haven't heard that in years!

  5. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say nards. But I fear I will now be forced to use it in a never-funny way myself. Thanks, Dick!

  6. Ewww, ewww, and double ewwwww! What a self-absorbed @$$-hole!

  7. That is just priceless...and oh so wrong...on so many levels.

    I cannot stop imagining him tipping up his cup and taking his big gulps with everyone looking at the drawing at the bottom.

  8. KK, I am assuming people call you this because it's a really cute nickname, anyway...

    I was actually sad when he just got his coffee & left. I really wanted to see him tip up that cup.