Thursday, April 30, 2009

So here's more stuff about me. I know you are giddy with anticipation.

Another meme from facebook.  This one is from Mrs. Big E.  Thanks for the super easy blog post!

The ABCs of Me

A - Age: Chronologically - 35, Mentally - 12 year old boy
B - Bed size: King. Can't think of anything to add to this. No king-sized bed jokes forthcoming. I must be off my game tonight.
C - Chore you hate: Putting away laundry & dusting.  Does anyone LIKE any chores?  Do you want to come to my house & do the chore you just thought of?
D - Dog's names: No dogs right now. I don't want to wipe anything else right now. Butts, noses, spills & cat puke are enough wiping for me.  Let's not add puppy puddles to the list. However, Worm really likes dogs. He crawled around Target this morning acting like a "dog-dog" complete with tail wagging and a weird sound that might have been barking (or choking).
E - Essential to start your day: Coffee & shower.  I have an elaborate coffee routine. It takes some time, but is worth the wait 'cause I make great coffee.
F - Favorite color: I am not prejudiced for or against any color!  Oh, you mean color of the rainbow... well then, I'll go with orange.
G - Gold or Silver: Gold, sliver, gemstones, cash. Whatever, dude.
H - Height: 5' 2&1/2". Yes, the 1/2" matters. A. Lot.
I - Instruments you play: Kazoo & plastic maracas.  I'm doing a gig on the square this Saturday, you should come by and bail me out show your support!
J - Job title: Wiper (see D)
K - Kid(s): Um, did the job title not clarify that?
L - Living arrangements: Are better than dying arrangements.
M - Mom's name: Judy
N - Nicknames: No, thank you.
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Does this mean my own birth or when I birthed my kids?  I've had no overnight hospital stays that did not involve some sort of birth.  
P - Pet Peeve: Chronic lateness & deception
Q - Quote from a movie: "You can't really dust for vomit"
R - Right or left handed: Right
S - Siblings: Jo is my sister-in-law, but I don't consider the in-law part.
T - Time you wake up: Ass crack of dawn.
U- Underwear: Wouldn't you like to know?
V - Vegetable you dislike: Brussels sprouts, but I'm an adventurous eater, maybe I should give them another try.
W - Ways you run late: I'm rarely late.  If I am, it is because I had to do some unexpected wiping.
X- X-rays you have gotten: Teeth. Probably other parts too, but nothing comes to mind.  I'm not often sick or injured.
Y - Yummy food you make: Everything I make is yummy because I took the time to make it, dammit!  "You are not getting up from this table until you have finished that meat!" Had to throw in another movie quote.

So Worm and I are All-Stars!

So I got called out

The other day I wrote that I had never been in a band.

I lied.

My friend, E-Rock (because he does rock ((not to be confused with Big E, who is, in fact, a big guy (((Banana, however, is not a banana ((((did I ever mention that I really suck at giving nicknames and now wish I had just used everyone's real names (((((I heart parentheses))))), had a band in high school called The Front.  I was his girlfriend at the time, so I got to sing back-up in the battle of the bands.

He sent me an email today reminding me of this fact.  

For the record, I wasn't trying to be evasive about my past as a back-up singer for a high school rap group.  Seriously, I have way bigger things from my past to be evasive about. Hell, I have stuff from my present that probably should be more evasive about. Um, yeah.

Honestly, I wasn't sure if it counted because I sing so badly that I didn't actually sing above a whisper during the entire performance.  Technically, I just stood on stage and mouthed "If you want, you got it. If you want it, baby, you got it."  

Also, there were two other girls with me who actually sang well AND choreographed some dance moves.  I stood there while they danced.  Yup, just stood there. 

So, does standing on stage while people around you perform count as being in a band?  I think not, but it was his band and he said yes, so...

30.  Been in a band? Yes. In high school I sang back-up in a rap group called The Front.  They were talented, I was not. 

Happy now, E-Rock?

Please DO NOT dig up the audio tapes as proof.

However, if a video ever surfaces, I would pay BIG money to see it. We're talking tens of dollars here. 

Hey, it's a recession.

One last thing...  here is a link to the Bust a Move video.  I just watched it about 6 times in a row and it keeps getting better.  Come on, Flea in stuffed animal pants!

Okay, one more thing...  the song Bust a Move is also in the movie 17 Again and it actually made it on the soundtrack.  How did Underdog by Spoon not make it on the soundtrack, but Cherish & Danger Zone did?  People would really rather listen to this & this over this

Alright, this really is the last thing. Does anyone know to put a link on my blog (such as the Bust a Move video, or the song Underdog) without actually navigating away from the blog?  I hate that you have to leave to go to my links.  I know you hate it too because you never want to leave me, right?  Right?  RIGHT? 

Monday, April 27, 2009

So I had to pull out the big guns at Wal-Mart

It's Monday, time for a Wal-Mart story!

Seriously, do any of you just go in, shop, and leave and never have anything funny or weird happen to you?  How sad for you.

Anyway, in light of these economic times, I have been taking a few coupons with me when I shop. Nothing major, just saving a few bucks on items I would buy even without coupons.  

My favorite coupon is on 8 o'clock coffee.  It's very good for grocery store coffee, and for the past few months they have been printing a $1.00 coupon inside the bag.  So, I always save $1.00 on the coffee I would buy anyway.  Its a no-brainer.

However, Wal-Mart's computers do not like this coupon.  I think maybe the oils from the coffee beans mess with the scanner or something.  The cashier always has to manually override this coupon to get it to go through.  They all know the 8 o'clock coffee coupon will do this.  It's never been an issue, until today.

Today, I got a newbie.  It was very important to her that she follow the rules.  So, when the coupon wouldn't go through, she dug through my cart and pulled out the bag of coffee to double check that the coupon and item matched.  I was fine with all of this, she has to learn her job somehow.  Plus, I'm really not that busy.

Anyway, there was a manager nearby (not the molester) and he came over to see what the hold up was about.  She told him that the computer didn't like my coupon, but now that she had seen the item, she was going to override it.

Well, Mr. I AM THE MANAGER decided he should check it out for himself.  He exams the coupon and the bag of coffee and says, "Well your bag of coffee says 'Save $1.00 on your NEXT purchase' so you will have to bring the coupon back next time."

I scream, "Are you a fucking MORON?" (in my head)

I politely say, "There's a coupon inside every bag of that coffee. This coupon is from my LAST purchase, so that bag IS my next purchase."

He says, "We have to be extra careful. Manufacturers are really cracking down on what they reimburse us for.  If we override coupons that aren't valid, that's a lot of loss for the company."

I say, "I spend $150 to $200 in this store every week.  If I go to another store, that's a lot of loss for you personally."

He says, "Override the coupon."

I know it was a "principle of the matter" thing, but still, I argued with a man who gets his raises in twenty-five cent increments over a $1.00 off on an item that I would buy even without a coupon.  

Am I pathetic or just really, really bored?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

So I think Jo is reading the blog now

Well, are you?

So no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

My cousin, Nessercakes, tagged me in this meme on facebook.  I figured if I was going to put the effort into answering it, I might as well make it a blog post.  Plus the blog fodder is still light around here.  My family is acting utterly normal, they suck.

1. Kissed any one of your f
acebook friends? Yup (Hi, Sean Harrell (Now all my other fb friends are going to go look at your picture))

2. Been arrested? No, not ever close.

3. Kissed someone you didn't like? Well, I liked him at first.

4. Slept in until 5 PM? No, I've always been an early bird.  However, before I had kids I liked to get up, eat breakfast, read the paper and then go back to sleep for a few more hours.  Man, I would love to do that again some day.

5. Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes, at work, but I was pregnant, so that hardly counts.

6. Held a snake? Sure, creepy crawlies aren't my brand of angst.

7. Ran a red light? Yes, once I made a left turn on a red light.

8. Been suspended from school? Nope, I was a good girl in school.

9. Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? No. But I this one time I was late and the drawbridge was closing so I totally jumped it.  Oh, that didn't really happen?  Man, my dreams have been realistic lately.

10. Been fired from a job? No. I am a kick-ass employee.  However, I foresee me getting fired from a future job because my boss finds the blog.

11. Sang karaoke? Yes, but I barely remember it.  Don't even remember what I sang.  Were any of you there?  Can you flesh out this memory for me?

12. Do you like amusement rides that spin real fast in circles?  Excuse me while I puke.  Seriously, dude, if I you drive too swervy into the driveway I get dizzy.  If I am in an office chair and you bump it, I will get motion sickness.  I can't even swing on a swing-set without feeling a bit lightheaded.

13. Ever peed in the pool? Sure, what do you do when you have to go at the pool?  Oh, you get out and go to the bathroom?  Have you ever seen the bathroom at a public pool?  I'll take my chances with swimming through a little urine, thanks. Side note to the membership committee at The Club. I have never peed in your pool and I know for a fact that your bathrooms are very nice.  I promise not to pee in your pool. Please do not revoke our membership before I have a chance to completely piss (ha! I made a pun) you off and really embarrass myself.  My readers are counting on some funny shit this summer and I was hoping you would figure into it pretty heavily. Side note to Truck. Just kidding, babe, I will totally wait until winter when the golf sucks before I get us kicked out.

14. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Got back together with the guy from question number 3.  Man, he was a moron, what was I thinking?  In my defense, I was in high school and no one had ever begged me to come back to them.  It was kind of intoxicating (for like a week, then I remembered why I dumped him in the first place).

15. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? No, it's hard to make me laugh out loud. 

16. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?  Sure.  I also used to love to eat icicles until my husband told me that was like drinking untreated water off the ground.  Thanks for ruining that simple pleasure for me.

17. Kissed in the rain? I'm going with yes, but I can't remember a specific incident. What a sad thing to be unsure of.

18. Sang in the shower? Yeah, but I sound like Susan Boyle looks.

19. Sat on a rooftop? Yes. Climbed out on to a rooftop, yes.  Jumped off a rooftop, yes.

20. Have you ever flipped someone the bird while driving? No.

21. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? No. But maybe I can work it into my summer antics.

22. Broken a bone? No.

23. Shaved your head? No.

24. Blacked out from drinking? No.  Wow, my answers are suddenly very lame.

25. Played a prank on someone? Not ever a full on prank.  I like to do silly, unexpected things to make people laugh, but a prank implies some level of meanness and I'm not mean-spirited.

26. Ever puked when someone talked you into trying a food you knew you wouldn't like? No. 

27. Felt like killing someone? No.

28. Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? Yes. Thanks for making me feel like a shit, facebook meme.

29. Can you run more than a mile without stopping? Is there a lunatic with a bloody axe in this scenario?

30. Been in a band? No... didn't I clarify that I look more like Susan Boyle than sound like her.  For reals, I cannot sing. At. all. 

31. Shot a gun? Yes, I live in Arkansas.

32. Tripped on mushrooms? Well, I am clumsy. Oh, you mean MUSHROOMS.... still a no. Again, I'll make a note for my summer of fun.

33. Donated Blood? Once, never again. 

34. Eaten alligator meat? I live in Arkansas, not Louisiana.

35. Eaten cheesecake? Yes, but it's a last resort dessert for me.  Right below creme brulee, but still beats out the selection of homemade sorbets. I go for tiramisu or anything with the words chocolate ganache in the description.

36. Still love someone you shouldn't  If loving P. Diddy is wrong, I don't want to be right. Oops, sorry Truck, I never meant for you to find out.

37. Think about the future? Yes, where is my flying car and robo-dog?

38. Believe in Love? Yes, P. Diddy, I do.

39. Sleep on a certain side of the bed? Whichever side will get the least light.  Lights keep me awake.

40. Faked liking someone? Yes, and I am very good at it.  You think I like you, right?

Friday, April 24, 2009

So I got nothin'

This week has been pretty light on blog fodder.

I thought I might have a good post last night because Huck had a field trip to a farm yesterday. I expected him to come home with a funny story or odd detail that only he would notice.  Nope, all he had to say about the field trip was it wasn't as fun as he thought it would be because it was all indoors.  He also added that it smelled so bad by the horses he gagged a little.  I would have bet money that the pigs or chickens made him gag, but horses?  Gagging at horses seemed kinda wussy to me.   Not that stables smell good, but have you ever smelled a chicken coop or pig sty?

Anyway, because he completely failed me, I am going to tell you a story about him from years ago that would have made the blog had it existed at the time.

Huck is normally the best behaved child ever.  However, there was this one time at band camp the mall, when he was three, that made me want to crawl in a hole.  

Let me start with a disclaimer.  I rarely spank Huck.  I am not pro spanking or anti spanking, I just don't care for it personally. Kind of like broccoli.  But he went through a phase where the threat of a spanking seemed to really get his attention.  And lets face it, when they are three years old, discipline is mostly about getting their attention.

So we were in a clothing store and he was running around and hiding in the hanging clothes.  I hate when kids do that.  I told him he could play, but he had to stay away from the racks.  After the second or third time of pulling him out of the clothes, I bent down to his level and very quietly said, "If you don't stay out of the clothes, I am going to pull your pants down in the middle of this store and spank you."

Huck then proceeded to pull his own pants down in the middle of the store, slap his own ass and say, "Are you going to do it to me like this, Mama?"

So robots are satanic?

A good God did not create robots.


This is the uplifting spiritual message a local church has chosen to share with my community.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out what they have against robots.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

So I shook it off


I didn't put Add it Up on repeat.  I yelled along with it and then Shake It by Metro Station came on.  So, I was compelled to dance around like an idiot.

The dancing made me feel better.

Next, I did a meaningless chore.  I cleaned the strip of plastic at the bottom of our shower door that keeps water from splashing out.  You cannot actually see this strip of plastic unless you lie on the bathroom floor in front of our shower.  I would bet money that I am the only person in my home who realizes this piece of plastic a) is was dirty, b) exists.

Finally, I fixed myself the ultimate comfort food: a big glass of broken Saltine crackers covered in milk.  I know it sounds disgusting, but I love it.

I'm all better now.

So I have to add it up

I stopped watching the news when Huck was a newborn.  I was home nursing my precious boy one afternoon, when I saw a story about a man who slit his baby's throat.  His motive was that the child had changed his relationship with his wife too much.  He also added that the baby boy smiled at him before he slit his throat.  I was so angry at the local news station for adding that last bit of info. I actually put my baby down and went to throw up when I heard it.  Then I didn't put my baby down for several hours after that.  Every time I tried, I would start to shake. I still get nauseated and teary when I think about it and that was 6 years ago.  I hate to cry (and puking isn't my favorite pastime either ((neither is uncontrollable shaking)), so I don't watch the news anymore.  Yes, I am very head-in-the-sand about things.  Whatever, I have to cope somehow, and blinders have gotten me this far.

But now I have to stop surfing the net too. I can't get away from the horrible news stories about men who are killing themselves and their families. Why would you kill your family because you made poor financial choices?  That is not the decision a real man makes.  Ever.

Yes, your family will loose everything.  They will be ashamed and angry and possibly hate you, but they will be alive.  

A real man would not take his family with him.  He would allow his wife and kids to live with shame, and hate him forever, but live all the same.

Of course there's the argument that a good man might not get in a situation that dire in the first place, but I'm not judging that part of it.  Good people make really horrible financial decisions all the time.  Bad people murder their families.

There is also the idea that anyone who would do such a thing had to be quite mentally unstable. Yes, there is that element with all suicide.  But this is not suicide, it is murder.  Premeditated at that, you can't kill three people and yourself in a hotel room without a pretty elaborate plan.

To all other men considering familicide: Go ahead and kill yourself if you want to, but leave your wife and kids out of it.  It looks like they will be better off without you anyway.

Yuck, I have to shake this off.  I hate feeling sad and angry.  At least I have the motivation I was looking for. 

I am going to put this song on repeat.  Most people just remember the beginning of the song because the lyrics are shocking (well, they were in the early 80's anyway), but the second half of the song is resonating with me today.  "Don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me."

Plus, I know all the words and can sing it really loud while I do some mind-numbing chore.

So I need someone to come kick my ass

Worm is with Grandpa.  

I should go to the school and do the PTA budget, but, yuck.

I should reorganize the pantry, but, blah.

I should read a good book, but, meh.

I'm going to sit on the bed, surf the net, and listen to Spoon and Vampire Weekend.

I'm currently listening to this song.  I liked it way before it was in the movie 17 Again.  Just sayin'.

If you live near me, will you please come over and kick my ass so I can get up and accomplish something today?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

So worm left me a present

Just when you think your day is going to be exactly like every other day, you find a bowl of cheese in your shower.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

So I'm a member of the county club now

I'm still mentally reconciling being a country club member.

What you see in this blog is me in my most organic & authentic state.  I have another personality I pull out when authentic Jen is inappropriate.  It's the PTA mom personality, lets call her Deb. I adapted Deb from how I used to act back in the good old days when I used to get away from the hellions and interact with adults when I had a job.

I guess I'm going to have to go all United States of Tara on you and develop another alter to use at the country club.  

I'm going go to watch a bunch of Designing Women reruns now.  I think Suzanne Sugarbaker should heavily influence my new alter.

Friday, April 17, 2009

So my good karma should be through the roof today

Today Worm and I spent two hours at Chick-Fil-A.  Have I ever mentioned I'm really not that busy?

Truck was working at home, so I needed to keep Rowdy McHollerpants out of the house.  We went to a Chick-Fil-A that is not close to home, because it has the best indoor play area.  Yes, I will drive fifteen minutes out of my way to go to the good play area.  Don't judge me, I'm getting desperate for cheap ways to fill the day until the good weather kicks in.  Worm loves this play area so much that I actually get to read the whole time he plays.  If I crack open a book anywhere else he immediately is incapable of doing anything but holding my leg and yelling MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!

I wasn't going to eat anything, but if you can smell a Chicken Biscuit and not order one, you are made of steel.  So I asked another mom, who did not look like a baby steeler, to keep an eye on Worm and went up to the counter.

It happened to be the fast food time of reckoning, you know 10:30 a.m.  I placed my order and the lady said, "Lucky you, that was the last breakfast order!"  Then I heard a gasp behind me.  I turned around and saw a very distraught, very pregnant lady.  She actually had tears in her eyes.

I know exactly how she felt.  There is nothing more consuming than a pregnancy craving.  I used to think pregnant women just used cravings as an excuse to self-indulge.  Wow, I was a judgmental asshole!

Once, with Huck I craved Baskin Robbins Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream so badly I left work to find some.  I went crazy trying to find a Baskin Robbins within 30 miles of me.  When I found one, I ate three scoops and took two gallons home.

With Worm I wanted orange juice all the time, so that was a pretty easy craving.  But one day I wanted McDonald's chicken nuggets more than I wanted my figure back.  I went through the drive-through, bought a 10 piece and ate it before I was out of the parking lot. Seriously. No. Chewing.  Then I wanted more, but I didn't want to go back through that drive-through because I didn't want them to think I was bulimic.  I drove to two more McDonald's that day.  Thirty McNuggets in thirty minutes.

Believe me, I KNOW what that poor lady was feeling.  It was panic, mixed with bitter disappointment, with a little nausea thrown in just for fun. 

So, I did what any decent human being would do, I told her she could have the last Chicken Biscuit. 

She actually hugged me.  

And I wasn't even wearing the jacket.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

So I was right again

Look what I got in the mail today.

I said I would get one.

It's exactly the same as the one before.

Clearly, R. Zachary's smoke breaks are more fun than they should be.

Again, I urge you to double check those bank statements, dear readers.

I also predict that my air conditioner will fail soon due to a loose wire and ghost bunnies will break into my house to steal my kitchen gadgets. Stay tuned to see if I am truly psychic or merely psycho.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

So the dead bunnies are laughing at me

The Easter bunny brought the boys some sponge pills.  You know, the plastic capsules that dissolve in warm water and open up into little sponges shaped like animals and bugs and amoebas and shit.

They've had tons of fun watching the tiny sponges open and guessing what the creature is supposed to be (Well, Huck does that. Worm just likes to throw them out of the tub and laugh hysterically while I wipe up eleventy million tiny puddles).  I, however, have been completely freaked out by the tiny sponges and now wish I had shown the kids the dead bunnies on Easter morning rather than give them these gifts.

I think those bunnies are NOT resting in peace in my front bushes.  I think their evil little spirits are effing with me through the Easter goodies.

We did the safari animals on Monday night.  First, the ostrich was headless.  Second, the elephant was trunkless and tailless.  Third, the lion was missing a paw.  The lion is is my astrological sign, so I took it a little personally, but didn't suspect foul play by evil ghost bunnies at this point.

Tonight we did sea creatures.  At first, they weren't too bad.  The crab was a little smooshed and the shark and dolphin were virtually indistinguishable, but no parts were missing.  Things took a bad turn when we got to the whales.

There were two whales.  They both looked like whales, but different enough from each other that they were clearly different types of whale.  Huck insisted I figure out exactly what they were supposed to be.  I started to just make something up, but then I remembered that the back of the package had a diagram of the sponge types.

I picked up a tiny red sponge whale and found its shadow match on the back of the package.  "It's a killer whale!" I announced.  Then I picked up a tiny blue whale and found its shadow match on the back of the package "It's a.... um.... whale!" I mumbled.

"Mama, does it not say what kind?" asked my sweet, rule-following little boy who thinks everything always turns out fair and even.

"Um, no, it just says whale", I lied.

People, it said sperm whale.

Some weird prude girl who I have never met, crawled up from the depths of my psyche and would not allow me to say the word sperm to my son.  He's six, the word sperm is just a word in his vernacular.  There's no sexual connotation for him.  I knew all of this, but I still couldn't say it.

I think the bunnies knew I would stumble with this parenting rite of passage and changed the wording on the package just to trip me up.

So don't jump!

I  was surfing the net today and read an article I enjoyed about over-parenting.  The author makes a great argument for being a slacker like me more relaxed parent.  Let's all take one giant step back from the perfect parenting ledge, shall we?  If we all go together, no one is left out there being all perfect without us.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

So I am urging everyone to double check their bank statements

This morning, in my quest to desperately fill the hours between 8 and 11 a.m., I went to the bank. Lately, I have been going inside to do my banking.  Yes, it's a pain to unbuckle Worm and walk at toddler pace into the bank, only to walk back out and re-buckle in five minutes, but I'm really not that busy.  Plus they don't always see Worm in the back of the dance mobile, so he gets screwed out of his lollipop.  To a kid, bank = lollipop.

When I got to the teller, I couldn't find the check I wanted to cash.  I dug through my purse and the diaper bag, but it wasn't turning up.  So I told the guy I would look for the check at home and come back later.  Back to the car, walking .25 miles per hour.  Re-buckle squirmy the wormy.  

Once in the car, I looked again for the check.  This time I found it, so we started the whole process over.

The teller sees me and says, "Wow, that was a fast trip home!"  So I say, "Yeah, we live close. You know that big dumpster behind Hobby Lobby?"

He says nothing.  Total crickets. He just gives me a funny look and starts typing on his tiny bank computer.

The transaction proceeds normally from there.  Show ID, clarify the type of bills I want, confirm that Worm can have a lollipop.  Then, as I am unwrapping Worm's lollipop, the guy starts to laugh and says, "Oh, I just got the dumpster thing! You were joking that you live close because you live in that dumpster over there."

Um. Yeah. Not funny five minutes later, dude.  To be honest, not really that funny when I said it.

Could I maybe get a copy of my last statement and a fine tooth comb?

On the plus side, there's a good chance I will be getting another thank you note soon.

Monday, April 13, 2009

So I have a complaint

I don't want wine and I'm out of beer.  I would kill for one cold beer (but not in a can ((unless it is Milwaukee's Best (((because then I could chug it like the old days ((((or, better yet, make a beer bong)))).  Clearly, I need therapy. And an editor.  And a beer.

I would call Banana and ask if she has any, but I think my lack of beer would not stir any sympathy in her. Facebook told me she had a crappy evening.  Facebook is helpful that way.

So the Colon Cleanse people are onto me

I have eaten too much candy and feel completely sick. 

So, of course, I just got another Colon Cleanse email.  This one has an even better claim than the others.  It says I can loose 20 lbs overnight!  

Seriously? 20 lbs overnight? Are they going to cut off one of my legs?  

Loosing a leg sound slightly more appealing than the way that 20 lbs is really coming off if I use their product.

So I have to stop eating candy

Dear Russell Stover,

Your peanut butter eggs suck.  Sorry for my language there. I meant, they suck ass.  I did a taste test between your peanut butter egg and Reese's peanut butter egg.  There was no comparison. Please stick to the coconut nests, they are damn tasty.  Oh and your chocolate covered marshmallow bunnies are good too.  And those chocolate cream eggs rock! 

I have to go throw up now.

Ever sincere (really, I am),

So I was molested in Wal-Mart

I have this kick-ass jacket.  I wear it pretty much every day.  It's a Mountain Hardware Windstopper.  I don't remember the exact style, if this isn't it, it's pretty close.

It's thin yet warm and cut in a flattering, close to the body, style.  Best of all, it's super duper soft.  It's like a chinchilla or good cashmere or a baby's belly ('cause their bottoms aren't always that soft).  

I'm used to the kids in Huck's class petting it.  And occasionally, someone I know will touch my arm and then their hand will just stroke it a few times without even realizing what they are doing. It's an irresistible jacket, so I've never minded.

However, today a stranger petted me.  At Wal-Mart. Excessively.

Now, I love funny little encounters with strangers. I've recounted several in this very blog.  But those encounters were all VERBAL.  Verbal, as in not encroaching on my personal space or touching me without an invitation.

Here's the story...

I was in the checkout line when a manager came over to speak with my cashier (yes, for those few minutes he was MINE, so back off) about his schedule.  Nothing in this exchange was blog worthy and it seemed as though I was going to get out of Wal-Mart with no blog fodder.  Then the manager tried to talk to Worm.  I thought that might make it into the blog, because she was more persistent with him than most people. 

Worm hates strangers.  He will not speak to anyone he doesn't know (and many people he does). He will actually turn his head away from you if you continue to acknowledge him after he has ignored you.  If you push after that, he will cry.  Seriously, just leave the kid alone.  It's not personal.  He is a baby.  Get over it.

She finally gave up on terrorizing chatting with Worm, and moved on to me.  I was about to run my debit card, so I thought it would be a quick "Did you find everything okay today", "Yes, I'm in this store three time a week. I can tell you how many blue tiles are randomly scattered on aisle four." "Um. Okay, freak. Thanks for shopping at Wal-Mart!"  Then that was supposed to be the end of it. 

Oh. No.  She noticed my jacket.  I actually saw the look on her face and knew what was going to happen a split second before it did.  She reached for me, grabbed my arm, and said "I love this jacket! Oh my gosh, it's so soft?  Where did you get it? It feels like velvet, but even softer. What does it feel like?  I can't think of that material." All the while she is stroking the entire length of my right arm.

I said "It's fleece."

Then she moved on to my back and began actually running both her hands across my back and said "We sell lots of fleece here and none of it is this soft.  Look at me, I can't stop touching it."

Seriously.  Across my upper back.  With both hands.  In Wal-Mart.  Uninvited.

Just when I was preparing for her to cop a feel, the cashier in the next aisle called her over.

I had several more errands to run after that, but I went home to put away the perishables before heading back out.  While I was home, I washed my hands and brushed my teeth.  I felt somewhat less violated after that, but I probably won't be 100% until I can get a hot shower.

Friday, April 10, 2009

So I had another great idea

Tonight I was discussing the blog with Coco and I told her sometimes strangers read my blog.  I explained that they find it by googling certain terms which coincide with the way I've worded something in a post. For example, if you google - dead rabbit in yard - you get over 200,000 results, but my blog is number six on the list.  Not too shabby, huh?  Of course, in less than 6 months of blogging, I have written two posts (click here & here if you want to read them) about hares who have gone to that big carrot patch in the sky.  So the odds are in my favor.

Anyway, thinking about the dead rabbits (yes, they are still there) gave me a great idea.  Instead of doing Easter baskets, I could just take the kids to the bushes on Sunday morning and tell them the Easter bunny didn't quite make it.

I'm brilliant, right?

Now I can eat all the candy myself, save the toys and games for their birthdays, and not have to spend hours Saturday night hiding plastic eggs all over the house.

This parenting stuff just gets easier and easier the drunker older I get.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

So I am wondering about something stupid, go figure

I couldn't sleep last night.  My brain was on hyper drive, but not about anything remotely important.  Here are some of the fascinating thoughts that kept me awake last night.

  • Are there any bills in the PTA basket I need to pay?  I'm the treasurer and I haven't actually written any checks in a month.  Is that normal?
  • Should I get up a 5 a.m. and shave my legs or 5:30 and skip it?  I opted for 5:30, if you care.
  • Are there any new shows that started this week that I meant to watch?
  • Should I order the pizza's for Huck's snack day online and set the time I want to pick them up, or should I just order them 20 minutes before I want to go get them?  Big dilemma, I know.
  • And my personal favorite, the thought that took thirty minutes of my life and flushed it down the crapper: what will we call next year?  This year is two-thousand nine.  Will next year be two-thousand ten or twenty ten?  

To my ear, twenty ten sounds better, but then twenty eleven sounds stupid, so will we switch back?  Pretty much every year until twenty twenty (because it HAS to be called twenty twenty, right?) is a toss up.  It all sounds weird - two-thousand seventeen, twenty seventeen - there's no clear winner there.

Who decides?  President Obama?  Anderson Cooper?  Paris Hilton?  If President Obama chooses, a bunch of people will say the year wrong just to drive home the point that they didn't vote for the guy.  If Paris Hilton chooses, we will end up having to pronounce it wrong and writing it with icons instead of numbers: @)!).  You just looked at the numbers on your keyboard to see if I used the right icons for 2010.  Admit it.

Anderson Cooper is my pick.  I'll start paying close attention to him in December to see which way he is leaning.  I'll let you know.

I'm going to try to get a quick nap now before I have to go get those pizza's for snack day.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

So this is disjointed and full of links and I don't care

Have you seen the new Burger King commercial?  If not, click here.

It's a parody of "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-lot.

A lot of people think this commercial is offensive to women, sends the wrong message to kids, blah, blah, blah.  Hey, haters, isn't that what your parents said about that song when you were shaking your poop thing to it at Jr. Prom?  Get over yourselves.

I think it's hysterical.  Combining Spongebob and Sir Mix-a-lot is brilliant.  Plus, the "Booty is booty" quote at the end is genius.  I mean, Sir Mix-a-lot can testify to that better than anyone, right?

There is also a full video version if you have two more minutes to waste.  Click here for it.

However, as much as I like this commercial, I'm still not going to eat at BK.  Their burgers taste like chemicals to me.  I LOVE junk food, but I won't eat anything that tastes more like its additives than its main ingredient (the meat tastes like liquid smoke and that is some gross shit!)

We have been eating way healthier at my house, by the way.  Plus, the farmer's market just reopened, so locally grown veggies will make it back on the menu shortly.  I'll be there Saturday unless it is rainy, or windy, or colder than 60 degrees.  Okay, so I might not make it this week.

Monday, April 6, 2009

So I refrained

Went to Wal-Mart today.  Did not lick the cart handle.  Thought you would want to know.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

So, seriously?

I keep getting these spam emails about Colon Cleanse.  On principle, I delete all spam without opening it (and most chains emails too, so don't forward me that stuff if you don't want the "chain broken" and the "good luck" to end).  However, on my iPhone I can see a few lines of my emails without actually opening them, so I got to see this before I hit delete:
Lose 20 pounds from your colon in three days!
Wow, that sounds so appealing.  Really.  I mean it.  I was just thinking how much I would like to spend a bunch of money and then spend three days in my bathroom.  Swimsuit season is coming up and losing 20 pounds would help me achieve that skeletal look men find so sexy. Maybe I could lose a few more pounds during my subsequent hospital stay.  Sign me up.

I have an alternative plan for anyone who wants to spend a bunch of money and then spend three days in the bathroom, but doesn't want the hassle of ordering a product online and then waiting for it to arrive.  Lick the cart handle next time you go grocery shopping.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

So this is some funny stuff

I just read the funniest dad post ever.  You have to read this.

Friday, April 3, 2009

So do Huck & I know each other or what?

This morning I was making coffee when Huck got out of bed.  My eyes were half-opened and I was feeling particularly droggy.  Droggy is Truck's made up word.  It used to drive me nuts because I felt like he was just mispronouncing groggy.  But that hasn't bugged me about him in at least a decade.  He's had thirteen years to develop waaaayyyy more annoying habits. Seriously, dude, spit out chewed up fingernails in your own car all you want, but leave mine out of it.

Anyway, back to this morning.  I was not quite ready to function when Huck tiptoed in.  (He tiptoes in the mornings because I startle very easily and being startled makes me angry. Making mama angry prior to coffee is never a good way to start the day).  So he waited quietly until I noticed him (is he well trained or what?), and ever so gently, waved his twenty.  

I spotted him and said, "Hey, dude! Whatcha got there?"  He said, "The tooth fairy brought it. Is this a savings bond or real money?"  I confirmed it was, in fact, real money.  He did a happy jig.  Then he said, "Can I get a new game with this?"  I told him that $20 isn't quite enough for a Wii game.  He thought for a minute and then said, "That's okay, you'll make up the difference for me."

Thursday, April 2, 2009

So the tooth fairy hasn't heard about the economic downturn

Huck finally lost his first tooth.  It's been hanging by a thread, but he wouldn't let us pull it. Tonight he let Truck have a go at it, and it popped right out.

There was more blood than I anticipated.  Also, the tooth looked weirdly tiny to me.  I don't have good tooth-loss memories.  Many of my baby teeth and four of my permanent teeth were pulled by a dentist because my jaw is small but my teeth are big (BTW, this dentist was an ass).  I only have 24 teeth, you probably have 28.  You are totally counting your teeth now, right? Truck has 32 teeth.  He has such a large jaw, there's room for his wisdom teeth too.  I am not sure if this makes him a Big Mouth or a Wise Ass.  

In fact, Jo had all hers too.  Comments anyone?

Anyway, back to Huck.  His tooth is out.  He is happy.

After we got him settled, I retrieved my wallet and pulled out the cash I've been holding onto for this occasion.  I had a one, a five, and three twenties.  Truck and I consulted briefly.  We decided the first tooth would get a twenty.  Wow, that's like almost half the cost of a new Wii game before taxes.  I'm fairly certain he will want to buy a new game with his money.  Guess who'll be using more of her cash to make up the rest of that expense?  


No really, Jo.


Okay, okay, it'll be me.

Can I borrow forty bucks?

I'm pretty sure I never got paper money for my teeth.  Not even the permanent ones.  I mean come on, not even a sympathy fiver for having to endure Novocain shots in my gums and a dentist who did not like kids?  Maybe I should whine to my parents and get some retroactive tooth money.  Looks like I'm gonna need it, Huck has another tooth loose already.

So much love...

... or not

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

So I want some stuff, anybody buying?

I want this T-Shirt for my birthday.  Click here to see it.

While I'm asking for stuff, I want this one too.  Click here to see it.  It's cool cause you can customize it with the name of my blog on the back.  If I wear it, maybe people will think I'm a blog celebrity and treat me all nice to avoid being fodder for the blog. 

BTW, I wear an adult small.

Okay, people, don't fight over who gets to buy me stuff, work it out amongst yourselves.

BTW, again, my b'day is like 4 months away, so if you want to just get me one of these shirts for no occasion what-so-ever, that's cool too.

So I'm going to create a facebook quiz

Taking facebook quizzes is a favorite pastime for me.  It is absurdly self-absorbed and a monumental waste of time.  I love it.  I like seeing the outcome of my friend's quizzes too.  I know it's a silly way to connect with people, but this is virtual friendship, not really the stuff of soul-baring intimacy.

I love that facebook thinks Shlitz is my favorite beer or that Emmet Cullen is the vampire of my dreams. I was a bit confused by Will Smith as my celebrity boyfriend cause the Fresh Prince ain't my idea of a hottie (Dear Facebook, how come all my friends got yummy Collin Farrell and I got a guy who is one step up from Urkel?)

So today I took a personality quiz.  After seven questions, Facebook determined I am cold.


So I read the description Facebook published of me for all my virtual friends to see...
Cold: Subconciously or intentionally, your cold towards others.  No matter how "cool" this seems, it's not nice.  Though you might gain popularity for your indifference, sometimes its better to open your eyes, and see how your actions are affecting others.
I felt better after reading this grammatical train wreck, clearly a fucktard created this quiz, so it cannot possibly be correct.

I am going to make up my own facebook quiz.  I'll mull it over today and get back to you.