So I would like to bump it

My hair, that is.

Not really, I'm fine with my flat hairstyle, even if it is soooo last year.

Wait?  You have no idea what I am talking about?

Well, my friend, check this out.  You will not be sorry.

Did you like it?  Me too.

Have a bumptastic weekend!

So the throw-up burp was not ironic

My thought that it was just coincidence was correct.  It would have been ironic if I had mentioned the fact that Worm has never thrown up when I linked to the Dad Gone Mad post.  But without that prior mention of his no throw-up record, it's just a funny coincidence, sorry Alanis. 

I'm not really a grammar snob.  I don't even play one on this blog.  I just felt that using a specific term, like irony, called for clarification.

Click here for some other examples of non-ironic things.

So I love K-Mart for one more reason

The people who work there are very, very nice.

As I was getting ready to walk out, Worm had a throw-up burp.  That's right, he literally threw up in his mouth.  Kind of ironic after the Dad Gone Mad post I linked to yesterday.  Is that really irony?  Maybe it's just coincidence.  Great, now I have to look up my stars and irony.

Okay, so I was digging out my keys when Worm burped.  I immediately knew what had happened because the burp sounded unusually wet.  Then I looked at him.  The look on his face was hysterical.  Worm has never thrown up, so this was a new taste for him.  Lets just say he was not digging it.  Then he says "MAMA", all accusatory like I have somehow caused the throw-up burp, and starts to howl.  This is wear I got real confirmation of the throw-up burp, his breath reeked!

I start desperately digging through the diaper bag, but his cup must have been in the car. Luckily they have little fridges full of drinks right by the register, so I grab a bottled water and hop back in line.

Worm must have sounded REALLY pathetic (or scary) because the manager popped up and said "Oh, hon, just take the water and get on home."  Then someone else gave him a sticker.  He was so happy to get the drink of water that he wore the sticker all the way to the car.  Then he said "bye-bye" to it and stuck it in my hair.

I'm not still wearing that one.

So Worm likes stickers, sort of

Worm likes the idea of stickers, but he doesn't actually want to wear them.  

We visited Mrs. Big E at work today.  She works for a pediatric clinic.  Worm was really funny. It was like he knew the place should be scary, but he wasn't quite sure why.  Eventually he heard a baby crying and then the pieces fell into place for him.  I could see the moment he realized we were in a doctor's office.  Mrs. Big E tried to buy me a few more minutes of chit-chat by giving him stickers, but they didn't really work.  He wanted to leave before someone showed up with the two most terrifying things on the planet, a stethoscope and tongue depressor.

Worm will let you put a sticker on him.  He holds out his little paw like he is all ready.  Then 3 seconds later he has peeled it off and is handing it to me saying, "Mama, mama".  The translation for this is, "I would like to admire this sticker, but not actually wear it.  Please wear it for me, Mother."

By the time we got to the car, I was wearing 4 kitty cat stickers.  

I'm still wearing them.

So I love K-Mart

This morning, our errands took us close to K-Mart.  I only go into K-Mart about twice a year.  I am not sure why I don't go more often.  I always walk out with a treasure/bargain that makes me really happy.

Last year I found a jean jacket for Worm that was as cute as anything you see at Baby Gap, and it was $5 instead of $35.

Today, all my stars must have been aligned.  What does that mean? Is it an astrology reference?Note to self, look up "my stars" and see if the are well aligned today.  All I know about astrology is that I am a Leo and this is supposed to mean I am generous and like attention. Sure this is true about me, but how many of you non-Leos consider yourselves stingy and like to be ignored?  Thought so.

Anyway, my visit to K-Mart was fabulous! 

I found BIG towels (bigger than me big) for less than $10 each, they are $30 everywhere else. Truck will love these towels!

I heard the song "Just Between You and I" by Lou Gramm.  This song is so bad it's good.  Plus the title is grammatically incorrect and I always wonder if Lou knows this.  You know he has hit some hard times when his music is playing in K-mart.  I tried to find a good link so you could hear it too, but I could only find live versions that do not do justice to that clean 80's sound. Go get it on itunes, I think Lou could use the cash.

Really cute flip flops!  It is going to be almost 80 degrees here tomorrow.  I can't blog tonight, I have to get the piggies in shape. 

Mario Kart for Wii.  Every Monday, I check for this at Wal-Mart.  Every Monday, they tell me they are "complaining to their rep" about not having it.  I know I could get it at Best Buy, but I just wasn't ready to give up on Wal-Mart because walking all the way back to electronics kills ten minutes if the popcorn chicken isn't ready yet.  Guess I'll have to start checking out the automotive section now.  Maybe I'll pimp out the mom-mobile.

I also heard "Pleasure Principle".  I am not sure why Janet lets K-Mart play her tunes.  I don't think the economic crisis has hit her like it has Lou.  I heard it when I was walking through women's clothing.  The song was such a blast from my bast that I almost bought a very 80's inspired outfit.  Then I remembered that I didn't wear crap like that in the 80's either, so I put it back.  Man, I wish MTV still played videos...  I suspect girls will be wearing knee pads over their skinny jeans any day now.  We had skinny jeans in the 80's too, we called them pegged.

I bought Worm a polo shirt with little guitars all over it.  It came with denim shorts.  I suspect I will never actually put the denim shorts on him, but look for pics of the cute guitar shirt soon! I mentioned it will be really warm here tomorrow, right?

But the biggest coup of all?????  PLANET STICKERS!  I went four places yesterday, (Including Hobby Lobby where they have so many stickers you could find sticker's for your dog's birthday. Personalized. With your DOG'S name) but could not find any stickers of the planets.

So now I love K-Mart.

So I have lost my momentum

I had such a funny post going in my head this morning, but then I spent 2 & 1/2 hours searching all over town for planet stickers.  

Somewhere along the way the funny got lost.  

I might explain this later, but for now, my head hurts.  

Since nothing funny is coming from me right now, read this post: Dad Gone Mad - Alternatives to the comment cliche 'I just threw up in my mouth'

So I have a theory (this is nothing new, I know)

Google may think it knows what I need, but I suspect it has no idea what I want.

That's right, Google, I say YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL!  I'm throwing down the gauntlet right here, right now.

Okay, so not RIGHT now.

I am about to enter the morning insanity zone.  I won't actually get a break from this until 11:00 a.m. If you think you would like to try the whole stay-at-home thing, come on over.  You will be dying for office banter with Ned from accounting by 9:30, I promise.

So I am terrified of google now

I'm still not quite over the "needs" meme.  I decided to do another one for myself using Jen since that is what most people call me.  I have no witty retorts to any of these.  I am wordless.

1. Jen needs a session or two with a therapist.
   
2. Jen needs a muzzle.
   
3. Jen needs to wise up.
   
4. Jen needs to get a grip on her life.
   
5. Jen needs human anatomy lessons.
   
6. Jen needs a make-over.
   
7. Jen needs to take some time and be by herself.
   
8. Jen needs advice.
   
9. Jen needs cheering up.
   
10. Jen needs to go.
    

Crap, I really do need all this stuff.

Okay, google, you have won this battle of wits, but the war rages on!

So google thinks Truck needs stuff too

Here is Truck's "needs" list.  I used his real name when I did the google search...

1. Truck needs his boo-boos kissed.  Truck is currently in Orlando.  If he has any boo-boos he can damn well wait until he gets home to have them kissed.  Just because I am thinking of joining a singles website, does not mean he gets a free pass while in Florida.

2. Truck needs an avatar.  I made him a Mii on the Wii and it looks just like him, can that just count.  He's not much of a gamer so I am not certain what he will do with an avatar.

3. Truck needs to relax.  Hey, keep your hands off my husband's boo-boos, he does NOT need to be that relaxed!

4. Truck needs a band.  Clearly google does not know Truck.  He sounds good when singing along to the radio, but that is pretty much where his musical talents end.

5. Truck needs a helping hand.  Okay, google is aware of his lack of musical talent.

6. Truck needs me to entertain the crowd.  Is this the crowd that has gathered to hear his band?  How is google planning to entertain the crowd?  I guess they can yell out their names and it can tell them what they need.

7. Truck needs to come back to Arizona and try a Sonoran Hot Dog.  Google must have met Truck before.  This hot dog might as well be renamed "The Truck".  Seriously, I am getting these ingredients and making this for him to soothe his ruffled feathers over the whole singles website thing. 

8. Truck needs a date.  Look, just because I have my Jason (and am still trying to get Brad back) does not mean he needs to find someone too.

9. Truck needs a drummer.  Oh, his band must be Spinal Tap.

10. Truck needs help from a Tory.  Clearly google is on crack.  Truck is a die-hard Whig and wouldn't allow a Tory to piss on him if he were on fire.

So I am thinking of signing up with a dating website for a one month free trial

No, Truck and I are not having marital problems.  Also, I'm not particularly lonely.  I have my blog, facebook, the cat.  Oh, God, maybe I am lonely...

Anyway, he reads the blog.  As does his mom, sister, and at least one of his very good friends.  If I were going to cheat, these are the folks I would NOT broadcast it to.

So, if I am not looking to date anyone (unless I meet a nice guy named Jason, then I might consider a coffee date just to see if there is a connection), why do I want to join a singles matching website?

MORBID CURIOSITY.  

I just want to take the personality profile and see what kind of guys are matched with me.

Also, I think there would be huge entertainment value in it.  Can you imagine the post I would write the first time I was matched with a guy who doesn't use spellcheck?

I know in my heart it would be wrong to join one of these sites when I am not actually in the market for a boyfriend.  Sincere people who are just looking for companionship are on that site.  Curiosity and boredom is not a good reason to play with people's emotions.

Still....

Maybe if I set up some very strict ground rules for myself?  Number one, tell as few lies as possible while still protecting my identity.  Number two, don't actually date anyone, perhaps that should be rule number one?  Number three, if someone seems sincerely interested, nip it in the bud (aka - only keep the weirdos around).

I know, I'll set up a poll and let you guys decide if I should join or not.  Also, leave me some comments or email me your opinion.  If I get a really convincing argument for or against, I could be swayed no matter what the poll says.  You guys already know I am unreliable with the poll results.

I suppose Truck's opinion will weigh heaviest on this one.  He is in Orlando this week, so it may be a few days before he catches up with the blog.  Stay tuned for his thoughts.  I might even see if he wants to write guest post on what it is like to have a wife who wants to join a dating site.

So google thinks I need stuff

Have you seen the "needs" meme?  Holy cannoli, it is F.U.N!  You take your name and type it with the word needs in the google search and see what pops up.  I put my "needs" list on facebook, but am doing it here too because I have SO MANY comments to add.

1. Jennifer needs a smack daddy.  Yes, google, yes I do.  I haven't been anyone's bitch in a while.  How do you know my secret needs?

2. Jennifer needs to give birth next week.  What?  I thought that was just a food baby, too many corn dogs and all.  Man, I have some explaining to do when Truck gets home.

3. Jennifer needs to play by the rules.  Go ahead, try and make me.  I'll be your smack daddy before this is over, google.

4. Jennifer needs a cane.  Are you threatening me now?

5. Jennifer needs to date Jason.  Wow, didn't see that one coming. I know a couple of Jasons, is there one in particular I should be making eyes at? Maybe I should I let Truck pick since this guy might end up as his kids' new daddy.

6. Jennifer needs a shave.  Oh, now that is just uncalled for.  It's winter, no one can see my legs.  You were talking about my legs, right?

7. Jennifer needs your support.  Yup, google has hurt my feelings.  I am a bit vulnerable now.  Jason? Call me, 'k?

8. Jennifer needs to get over Brad. Oh, now I see how Jason figures into this.  He is my rebound guy.  Brad, I know Angie is hot and all, but I can adopt dark skinned children and dress in all black too.  Just give me a chance, smack daddy, Brad.  Call me, 'k?

9. Jennifer needs to date men her age.  I am assuming you mean mental age.  I'll check out the Jr. High parking lot when I pick Huck up from school.

10. Jennifer needs our prayers.  Did things go badly with my new Jr. High beau, Jason? Or possibly I am going to hell for mocking the holy church of google? Not sure why this list is ending on such a cryptic note, but I would appreciate if all my readers would send one out for me just in case.

So we were right on time today

The first picture is the mom mobile's clock as we pulled into Wal-Mart this morning.  The second photo requires no explanation!

There was actually someone in line in front of me at the prepared foods counter, but the deli lady saw us coming and started scooping up Worm's chicken while the other customer was still deciding.

Really?  Who deliberates between fried bits of chicken, corn dogs or pizza at 8:30 a.m? If you are in the market for those types of food that early in the day, chances are you have a monster craving and know exactly what you want.  For me it would be the corn dog without hesitation, with lots of mustard.

In my head I was yelling "Give it up and get the corn dog lady, you know you want it."  Clearly my psychic abilities are gaining power because I saw her a few aisles later with a corn dog.  She might possibly have been my long lost twin because I am the only other person I know who would eat a corn dog that early in the day.

Of course, she also had a soda and I am now a holier-than-thou non-soda drinker.  Yes, I do think I am better than you because I don't drink soda.  In fact, next time we eat out together, I will be sneering at you in my head for your unhealthy beverage choice.  

Of course, you will be eating grilled chicken and a salad and I will be eating... a corn dog.

So I put up some new videos of the kideos

There are three new ones.  They are pretty typical of what the boys look like and what they do right now.

So I need some help again (no, not professional help - well, maybe, but not for this particular problem)

Saturday afternoon I noticed an odd, yet familiar odor in my front yard.  

So I braced myself and peeked in the bushes.  New bunny bits.  Plus, the bones of the previous bunny are still there.  

Banana (This is your first blog appearance, but you know who you are.  Jo, Coco & Truck can probably figure it out as well), will you please remove the rabbit fragments before they get smellier?  I will let you laugh at me.  I will provide gloves and Wal-Mart sacks.  Our trash runs on Tuesday, so could you do it fairly quickly?  How does it not give you the shivers just thinking about it?

Yes, Truck is currently home.  However, he has a HUGE meeting in Orlando next week and is beyond stressed about it.  I wouldn't ask him to clean up the hacked-up hare if it were on the front steps.

So my musical taste is rubbing off on the whole fam

I am internetting (This is a made up word and I really debated if it should have one t or two t's. This is how I am spending my kid-free evening.  I am the second lamest person I know.  I went with two t's because netting has two t's, in case you care).  The tunes are still blasting, but now Truck is home.  He is working in his office, because he is the only person on the planet who is lamer than me.

We are getting take-out later, Thai, in case you care.  Does that make us cooler or lamer? I say cooler because fast food or left over spaghetti would be pathetic.  Going out to eat would be appropriate, but he is swamped with work right now, in case you care.

Anyway, I have a point to make...

That's Not My Name just played & when it was over Truck yelled,  "What's that song?"  Then he asked who sings it.  Then he said, "I like it."

I'm keeping the tunes going.  Maybe Dead Milkmen will rub off on him next.

I looked through his playlist the other day and found a gem.  I'm not telling you what it is, just click here to find out. I had forgotten about this song!  If you can listen to this and not laugh then you need an x-ray because your funny bone is effen broke!

So I don't know what to do with myself

After school Huck wanted to go see Coco at work.  Actually, going to see Coco was his fourth choice, but it is the only one I was willing to comply with.  His first, second and third choices were going to Fun City, Lokomotion or Chuck E. Cheese.  I would rather eat toenails than go to any of these places on a Friday night (My own toenails, of course.  If it were Saturday afternoon then I would up the ante to Worm's toenails).

Of course Worm only had to hear the word Coco & it was all over for him.  He said coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, until I thought I might go insane.  

Did I ever mention that there is a lot of candy at Coco's office?

Long story short, Coco unexpectedly offered to keep both boys tonight!

As soon as Truck left to take the kids to her house, I opened a beer, turned up the music and... folded laundry.

So I am suddenly suspicious of the convenient connection

You don't think my neighbor set up a wireless connection that I could use in the hopes of someday controlling my mind through my computer, do you?  

Should I buy a new corn zipper just in case?  

I really love blogging in bed, please don't ruin this for me, crazy conspiracy theory lady in my brain.

So I'm writing this from bed

Our wireless has been iffy for months now and no amount of random wire jiggling and general cursing seemed to fix it.  I thought all hope was lost because jiggling and cursing are the best tools in my belt.  Then a few weeks ago, my iPhone started offering me some random connection, but only in my bedroom.  I am not sure why I didn't put it together until now.  I blame 6 & 1/2 years of sleep deprivation (more like 7 years if you count pregnancy).  Anyway, I just realized that I can totally piggyback my neighbor's wireless when I am in bed.  

Wow, that last sentence is really dirty.

This is the greatest thing to happen to me in years.  Sorry kids, your entrances into the world were cool and all, but I can blog IN BED now.  I love to hang out in bed.  I love it so much that Truck bought me a giant flat screen for Christmas and installed it across from the bed.  I know that sounds terribly unromantic, but look at it this way: a man bought a top of the line TV and then installed it in the room where only his wife watches TV.  Pretty nice, huh?

Anyway, if I lived, alone I would live in one of these, happily, but only if the neighbors had wireless internet.

So I met a lady with apricot hair today

The weather is beautiful today.  At 8:30 it was already 55 degrees and not a cloud in the sky.  I decided it would be nice to go for a walk with Worm.

Since he is not yet two, I didn't actually want HIM to walk.  Have you ever let a child this age walk around the neighborhood?  Try cat herding, it's more productive.

I walked, he sat on his Lightening McQueen tricycle.  It has a long handle so I can push him.  He doesn't know he can propel it himself with the pedals.  I'd like to keep it that way for a bit.  See the above statement regarding cat herding.

Most of the walk was not blog worthy.  I listened to tunes on the iPhone.  Worm hit everything we passed with a big stick.  I occasionally said appropriate mom things like "don't poke that trash bag" and "don't hit that cat." Really, poking at garbage and small animals was fine by me, but it felt right to say those things.

Then, on the last leg of our journey, I glanced up to see a lady holding a dog and waving her arms at me.  Her mouth was moving, but I couldn't hear her over the tunes.  So I politely removed my earbuds and stopped walking.   

She bustled across the street to us and asked if I have a cell phone.  She explained that got locked out of her house while taking her dog to pee and needed to call a friend to let her in.  Of course I loaned her my phone, she looked like she might cry.  I don't do well with criers.  I get embarrassed and exasperated.  Also, I usually say something that makes them cry more.

While she was on the phone, Worm finally looked up at her (he is in the "pretend strangers are speaking a foreign language and smell really bad" phase of toddlerhood) and saw her dog. He said DOG!  So asked him if he wanted to pet the dog and he said "NO! NO!"

Huh?

Worm doesn't want to pet the dog?  He LOVES dogs. This is the kid that wants to pet the dogs on TV.  He wants to pet dogs that are viscously growling at him from the back of pick-up trucks. He sticks his fingers through our fence and cries "pet, pet, pet" when our neighbor's dog is in the yard.  He constantly wants to watch videos of himself petting Coco's dogs. Why does he not want to pet this dog?

So I really looked at the dog and I saw why.  I didn't even want to be standing next to this dog. It was the ugliest thing I have ever seen.  This dog should have been in a shoebox in the backyard a decade ago.  

It was a toy poodle, but with a huge bloated belly.  Its tiny poodle head and skinny poodle legs looked like they were sticking out of a bowling ball covered with tannish/pinkish mashed potatoes. The dog's skin was beige, but its fur was a weird peachy color.  The dog's belly was so swollen that you could see more skin than fur.  It also had those gross doggie eye boogers.  I wouldn't pet this dog on a bet.

Then the lady handed back my phone and noticed we were both staring at her dog with our mouths open.  She misread our disbelief as interest and held the dog out toward me saying "This is Ginger. She is 16 years old and a diabetic."  I actually took a step backward before I could catch myself. I usually have better control over my body language, but the repulsive dog was really throwing me.

The lady was clearly not big on social cues, so she kept talking about the dog.  She told me how she came to be Ginger's owner.  This was not an interesting story.  She told me all of Ginger's medical history.  This was slightly more interesting than the doggie adoption story, but only because at one point Ginger died on the vet's table and he "brought her back from the other side."  Yes that is the exact phrase she used.  I had trouble controlling my body language at this point too, I think the "I'm trying not to laugh at you" look crossed my face briefly.  She saw the look on my face and said "Everyone is always so touched by that story." 

Then she said, "You know Ginger is what they call an apricot poodle.  I love her color so much that I took a sample of her fur to my beautician so she could cover my gray with the same color."

Here is what happened in the next two seconds.

My brain screamed: HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!  Did she really just say that she dyes her hair to match her disgusting little dog?!!!???!!?

My mouth said: "It was nice to meet you.  I'm sorry we can't wait until your friend arrives, but I am afraid the baby's head will sunburn without a hat."

I was so desperate to get away from her before I said or did something offensive, that the best excuse I could think of was a sunburn on my child's head.

How the hell did I come off looking like the weird one?

So I am not the only one who thinks Huck is brilliant

I took copies of his story to his teachers this morning and thanked them for giving an assignment that really spoke to him.  If he turns out to be a gifted writer I will be so proud!  Lord knows he isn't going to be an athlete or artist, maybe writing will be his outlet too.

Then, on a whim, I gave a copy to the principal.  She thought it was so good that she is going to share it with the school board.  They are lunching/touring/meeting at Huck's school today. 

Pretty cool, huh?