So I should be getting my Mom of the Year Trophy any day now

Yesterday Huck mentioned that he would like some Cookie Crisp cereal.  I am a fan of the Crisp myself, so I picked up a box at the store.  Turns out Worm is a fan as well AND doesn't know it is not actually cookies.  I think Worm and I ate half the box before Huck got home from school.

Anyway, back to my award winning Mom-ness....

I had to attend a PTA board meeting during Worm's nap time so Grandma stayed at the house. Until yesterday I hadn't realized WHY those two hours are crucial to my sanity.  I thought nap time was just a nice break from the Worm. Turns out it is, for me, a VITAL break from all human contact. Spending my break discussing fundraisers, budgets, pick-up & drop-off lines, and other elementary school crap turned me into psycho mom.

By 4 p.m. I was feeling a mite hassled.  Worm was transitioning into late afternoon clingy mode and Huck was in full blown Monday after school cranky mode.  I put in a video that they will both usually watch, thinking it would buy me sometime to straighten up the house (yes, tidying the house actually helps me relax, it allows me to restore order in my environment - yes I have control issues).

The video did not work.  Huck alternated between jumping around like a loon and laying on the floor right where I needed to walk.  Worm followed me around asking for some new random thing every two minutes (Elmo, juice, cheese, Wiggles, ball, cracker, water, kitty-cat, up, down, go car, cookie).  He finally settled on Cookie Crisp (you wondered if I was every getting back to that didn't you?).  He then proceeded to dump it on the floor and wonder off.  

This is the floor that I just tidied.  Eye-twitching, pulse racing....

Huck then says "Can I have some Cookie Crisp too?"

I hollered, "NO!  Unless you want to eat what your brother dumped on the floor."

He did.

I suck.

So I am a total cliche

It started with facebook.  Seemed like harmless fun at the time.  Connect with current friends, find a few old ones.  Take some stupid quizzes.  Not an inspired pastime, but I'm a 35 year old mother of two with no passions or hobbies, inspired activities aren't exactly my forte (however, self-deprecation might be).

Next came the blog.  For me, it was a natural transition from facebook to the blogosphere.  On facebook I share personal information and insights that are occasionally interesting but mostly banal with friends and acquaintances.

Today, Truck bought me a Flip Video (digital video recorder).  Within 30 minutes of owning it I had set-up a youtube account and was in the process of uploading video of my kids to the web.

Do you know how many people are on facebook?  Facebook says there are over 90 million active accounts.

Do you know how many people write blogs?  My 30 second google search lead me believe there are upwards of 50 million blogs out there.  Even if all of those people write two blogs each (because most bloggers write several) that is still 25 million bloggers.

Do you know how many people have youtube accounts?  Youtube estimates 15.9 million.

There are MILLIONS of people doing the same stuff as me.  Right now someone else is posting a blog about what a band-wagon jumper they are because they facebook, blog, and youtube. 

I am completely unoriginal.  Sigh.  

Coming soon to this blog: Youtube video of my stereotypical children performing predictable activities.

Sigh.

So Huck speaks just like me

Friday morning we were moving slooooooowly through the drop off line at Huck's school when I notice his teacher parking her car.  We are driving right past her, so I point her out to Huck.  He loves his teacher, so he gives her a wave and says "Hi, Miss J."  

However, it is really cold outside, the windows are up (and tinted) so she doesn't actually see or hear him.  I helpfully suggest that he tell her he saw her getting out of her car.  His response: "I'd rather not."

That is exactly what I would say to such a suggestion.  I am so proud!

So Truck and I went out tonight

I actually have a lot of stuff to discuss (thanks to my handy little voice recording app - I heart my iphone) but will not be getting to them tonight.

Here's the deal.  It is 9 p.m.  My belly is really full of shrimp and lobster.  I am half drunk - maybe three quarters.  And my kids are not home.....

Anyway, I have one thing I must get out before I forget.  Mostly because I didn't put it on the voice recorder and I am half - maybe five eighths drunk.

Truck and I don't go out much.  My regular readers know the facts:  we have two kids, he travels A LOT, I am really averse to leaving the house if I don't have to.  So tonight was a big deal. I put on eye make-up and high heals and an impractical but flattering outfit.  In other words, I went as all out as I will really ever go.

Truck knew I was making an effort.  He knew complements were appropriate.  However, he didn't quite get to the complements portion of the evening.

Here's what happened:

I finish getting ready.  I walk toward the office to round him up.  He is heading toward the bedroom to round me up.  We meet in the living room.  He says "Let me get a look at you."  I pause and purposefully do not pose. When you are 5 foot 2 inches you cannot pose without looking like a kid in her mom's church shoes and caked on lipstick.

He says (here it comes, my hard earned complement!) "Are those new shoes?  Oh, no, its those boots."

SERIOUSLY?  

I effing curled my eyelashes!  I changed my BRA twice!  I actually put on nice socks under the boots knowing that they wouldn't even show!  What is wrong with you?

I looked great! 

I rarely look great.

I often look shitty.

I didn't get mad or even a little upset.  Its just how we are.  He means to say it, I know what he means.  We get on with life.  There is no drama here.  If you are looking for drama watch Greys Anatomy.  Those bitches would have been mad about the missed complement.  Not me, no way.

So I stole from Wal-Mart today

It was completely by accident and I feel really bad about it.

You know how much Worm loves his popcorn chicken (incidentally he has started calling it HOT instead of YUM, I guess because I always say "Its hot" when I give it to him, makes sense to me).  

Anyway, we were at Wal-Mart at 8:30 this morning and I thought I could run in and get a new trash can without incident.  Who am I kidding?

Because I went in on the non-food side, I was able to pick out a trash can without any Worm interference.  So I head straight for the register and then it hits him.

HOT!

No, baby.  Lets just get a snack at home.  I can't really see over this trash can.

HOT!

Hey, here are some raisins.  You love raisins!  Crap.  Sorry old lady, I couldn't see you around my giant trash can.

HOT!

Juice?  Do you want your juice?  Oops, kind of nicked that display, hope nothing fell.

HOT! HOT! HOT!

Fine.  Let me walk all the way across the store while leaning awkwardly at the waist so I don't injure anyone.

We head for the deli.  We are waiting in line behind a guy ordering six individually packaged slices of pizza.  I start to wonder, why kind of freak is ordering pizza at 8:30 a.m., then I remember what I am ordering and tell myself to shut up.

Incidentally there was a professional photography crew right by the deli in the prepared foods section.  They were photographing an employee and a lady who was dressed too nicely for Wal-Mart.  They were holding opposite sides of a meat tray and pretending to talk about it. Strange, but at least it kept Worm entertained.

Once we have the hot in hand, I figure we might as well get some other stuff.  Bad idea.  The trash can blind spot plus popcorn chicken trail made me very anxious.  By the time we were at the register I was pretty much done with all activity outside my home for the day.

We made it through the parking lot safely.  No thanks to the Best Buy drivers who were cruising the Wal-Mart lot today.  As I am lifting Worm out of the cart I realize that I forgot to have the cashier scan his popcorn chicken.

I debated going back in, but I just didn't have it in me.  

Is there a special spot in hell for neurotic mommies who knowingly steal processed chicken snacks? 

So the mean OB-GYN from the movie "Knocked Up" works at my post office

Seriously.  He looks like a taller version of that guy.  But it was his craptastic attitude that sealed it.  I could totally imaging him grilling me about cigarettes and then saying "Do you want to do my job?  Do you want to just deliver that mail yourself.  Should I leave?"

Its after school so both kids are with me.  Huck is carrying the package to be mailed because I am carrying Worm.  I get up to the window and put Worm on the counter.  Post office guy gives me the I-don't-think-so one eyebrow raise thing (that I am seriously jealous of because I can't do it), so I put Worm on the floor.  I turn to get the package from Huck and he is all the way across the room.  I yell "bring it to me, please."  He brings me Mickey Mouse postcards.  I bite back the sarcastic thing I want to say and instead ask for the package in the nicest mommy voice I can muster.  

I am now ready to deal with the guy.  I turn to him and he says in a very snotty voice "I said, do you have something to mail?"  Now I bite back three sarcastic things I want to say (like: If I had heard you the first time don't you think I would have answered?  or: No, I love bringing my children to the post office, can we just stand here a minute? or my favorite: I bought those stamps that you make online with your kid's photo on them. However, they aren't all that photogenic and the stamps turned out ugly.  Can I get my money back?).  Instead I just hand him the package.  

While he is weighing it I accidentally pull some mini Three Musketeers from my coat pocket.  I was going to give them to Huck & Worm in the car for good behavior.  But they have been in my pocket too long and are all melty.  I can't give this to Worm, it will be a chocolate covered nightmare.  Too late, he saw them and is now saying CANDY CANDY CANDY.  

I calmly tell him no.  He begins to cry and yell CANDY CANDY CANDY.  Post office office guy gives me another dirty look.  I am tempted to give Worm the melty candy, put him back on the counter and say "Watch him for a minute while I go peruse the postcards with my older son."

Next, post office guy says: "I suppose you want to mail this as cheaply as possible."  Really? Like you couldn't have found a more polite way to phrase that?  Its not like you get a commission off your sales you bitter little civil servant man.  I explain that its a CANDY CANDY CANDY birthday gift and I would like it there by CANDY CANDY CANDY Friday.  He actually perks up at this because that means I will not be mailing it "as cheaply as possible" Whatever, dude.

It is now time to pay and I swipe my debit card.  Post office guy asks debit or credit.  I say debit, but he cannot hear me over the CANDY CANDY CANDY.  So he asks again in a really slow way like I am mentally challenged "Deeeh-bit or Creeeh-dit?"

Finally my transaction is complete.  I round up the boys and as I am walking out the door I turn and look back at him.  He is looking right at me and I think I can actually read his thoughts.  I am pretty sure he was thinking: Wow, I hope she comes back soon, she was hot.  

Not really.

But I did turn back to look at him and for some bizarre reason he smiles a genuine smile and waves. Whatever, dude.

So I remembered something I was going to post weeks ago

A few days before Christmas I was walking into Wal-Mart.  An attractive younger man was loading up the trunk of what had to be a car borrowed from his Grandma.  It already looked really full, but he still had an ironing board left to fit in.  

I actually stopped and watched to see if he could do it.  He did and I gave him a little clap.  He smiled, full of Christmas cheer, and said "They don't make trunks like this anymore.  They are great for Christmas shopping."  So I say "Yeah, and for moving bodies from the scene of the crime."

His smile disappeared and he pretty much vaulted over his car in his hurry to get away from me.

I really didn't mind looking like a weirdo, he was the jackass buying someone an ironing board for Christmas.

So I'm sorry for the snarkiness regarding parking lot protection

Apparently I need it.  

While entering and again while leaving Best Buy today, I looked up to find a moving car much closer to me than I would have liked. 

Maybe I'm not that oblivious.  Maybe people just drive really fast at Best Buy.  All that testosterone leaking out of the giant TVs and such.

Oh, who am I kidding.  I am sort of oblivious.

So I have a ghost in my house

There is a toy in Worm's room that has been going off for about ten minutes now.  It is one that requires actual interaction to make noise.  I am the only (live) human in the house currently and the cat is in the office with me.  I am going to wait it out 

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

CAN'T STAND IT (and I am tired of typing those dashes) MUST GO SEE.

Okay the toy is officially turned off.  If any other toys make noise, I will leave the house and not return until Thursday night after Truck is home. 

So I have a new voice recorder app for my iphone

That would explain all the posts yesterday.  I like to talk into it.  Then I like to post those thoughts.  It could become a problem.  I will call my physician later today and have him up my dosage.  Sorry.

So Huck had another friend over today

It was Eddie today (as in Haskell).  He was slightly better than I expected him to be, but not that much.  I guess every kid has to have THAT friend.  

I don't remember having an Eddie Haskell.  Shit!  Does that make me the Eddie?  Will have to clarify with my mom.....

....was about to call mom when it hit me.  My friend Joanie had an older sister named Elizabeth. Elizabeth had no friends so we were forced to play with her.  She was a prissy little tattletale asshole.  One day I called her an asshole behind her back, but apparently not out of earshot. She told on me (of course).  Her mom was furious!  My mom scolded me loudly in front of everybody and said she was taking me right home to spank me.  

We had to walk about half a block back to our house.  The whole time my mom was red-faced and shaking.  I was terrified.  I thought I was about to get the spanking of a lifetime.  Instead she rushed into the house and burst out laughing.  Finally she regained her composure enough to speak and she said "Elizabeth is an asshole, so is her mom.  Don't ever call anyone that again."

I was eight.  To this day I don't think I have ever used that word without remembering my mom in her coolest mom moment ever.

Huck doesn't swear yet.  I am looking forward to it.

So I found Truck's toothbrush

In case any of you were wondering.  It turned up under the desk in the office an hour later. Have written toothbrush on the grocery list.

This is my 6th post today, by the way.  Apparently I am in a sharing sort of mood.

So Huck is playing with the Wii fit

It says he is unbalanced as well.  Big shock.

So I owe Truck a toothbrush

Worm took your toothbrush.  It is now lost.  Possibly in Huck's room.  Will purchase a new one this week whether I locate it or not.  Sorry.

So I harbored fugitives yesterday

All opinions stated here are entirely my own.  I could be way off on some things.  I don't really care.  This is my blog.

Big Jim is on marriage number three.  He is currently married to Coco - Truck's mom.  He has kids from his first two marriages. The kids from his second marriage have a normal father/kid relationship with him and a normal step-sibling, step-kid, in-law, whatever relationship with the rest of us.  However, the girls from his first marriage are seriously screwed up.

Is this entirely his fault?  Probably not, but I believe they like to think so.

Anyway, I'm not out to analyze Big Jim's relationship with any one.  I am just here to rant about some crappy behavior.

Saturday one of the girls (her husband actually) left a message on Big Jim & Coco's answering machine.  The gist of it was that they were on a road trip and heading home and they would like to spend Sunday night with them.

Here is what I heard:

Hi, we have barely spoken to you in years.  We have never sent you pictures of your 2&1/2 year old grandson.  We never acknowledge any gifts you send our kids.  We ignored a heartfelt 8-page letter you sent several years ago.  Now we would like to descend on you with no notice on a Sunday afternoon when you have to work Monday morning. We would like for you to find room for us and our 3 kids (two of them teenagers) to sleep.  We would like to arrive early enough that you feel obligated to feed us two, possibly three meals.  We will probably also use this time to mention some monetary hardships we have experienced lately.  Also, do you have booze in the house? We love drinking other people's booze.

As I said before, I could be way off, but I doubt I am too far off.

Now we arrive at the rant portion of the post.  

You bitches have no idea what you are missing!  Big Jim and Coco are awesome grandparents. You have totally screwed your kids.  I suspect that this was the last straw for them.  If it isn't, it should be.

They proudly displayed your kid's photos (the ones they HAD anyway) along side the photos of the grandkids they see regularly.  They always answered 8 when asked how many grandkids they had (I suspect that will drop to 3).  And most importantly (to you anyway) Coco always went out of her way to buy your kids gifts.  That is probably over too.

Side tangent rant about Abercrombie & Fitch ahead...

Coco even went into Abercrombie & Fitch for your kids?  Do you know what Abercrombie & Fitch is like for a grandmother?  HELL!  It is probably what she imagines HELL to be like.  I am 35 and can barely tolerate walking past A & F in the mall.  The music is so loud that it makes Worm cry. Huck likes to stand outside and do the robot, but even he won't go in and he is only a few years shy of your target shoppers.

How do I know that they are done with you.  Because they HID FROM YOU AT MY HOUSE YESTERDAY.  They did not return your calls and made themselves scarce for several hours to ensure missing you entirely.  

Yesterday I sang a little Tom Petty & the Hearbreakers for Coco (You Don't Have to Live Like a Refugee).  Yes, she thinks I am odd, but she knows I love her and Big Jim will always harbor them.

So Truck has to protect me from slow moving traffic

We went to the movies yesterday.  As we are walking through the parking lot Truck asks me to move to the other side of him.  I do.  Then I realize he has just moved me away from the parking lot traffic like I am a child.  Seriously?

So I ask if he was concerned that I would not see the oncoming that are traveling 5 miles per hour.  He replies that I just might not get out of the way in time and he is protecting me.

Okay.

Later we are in another parking lot and I am allowed to walk to the car without assistance.  I say "Hey, I'm flailing around out here on my own."  Truck had no reply.  That I heard anyway.  There could have been a "get in the car dumbass" under his breath.

So I tried the Wii fit last night

At first I was doing great.  I started with Yoga because this is familiar territory for me.  I KICKED ASS.  3 out 4 stars on every activity.  I was feeling pretty good about myself so I moved on to the balance games.

Uh-Oh, these require quick reflexes (something I do not have apparently because I am female and will explain in another post).  I tried the soccer ball dodge.  The Wii said I was unbalanced. I tried the Skiing.  The Wii said I was unbalanced.  I tried the weird marble tilt thing.  The Wii said I was UNBALANCED.  

OKAY, EFF YOU WII!  LIKE I NEED A $89 PIECE OF PLASTIC AND LED LIGHTS TO CONFIRM THAT I AM UNBALANCED.

Truck has been saying it for years.  Not to my face or anything, but I see it in his eyes.

So I just ran the dishwasher

Why is it that a woman can get an entire sink full of dishes into a dishwasher that a man has already declared full?

I know I could google this query and find many hilarious and insightful answers.  I could then share these with you.  Then that would inspire me to whip up a funny little original rant of my own, but I am feeling a touch of lazyassitis coming on.  It is best not to push myself when I feel a flare up.

So Huck has a friend over to play today

We have Nomad over to play today.  He came over at 9:30 and I truly thought they would be done with each other by 1 or 2.

I envisioned arguing and possibly tears (there have been tears, all Huck and all over the Wii that he has been master of until today).  However, they have not fought and they have not caused each other to cry.  The tears have all been short lived and mostly due to hunger or Wii-fatigue.

Right now they are happily playing and Truck has gone to run errands......WITH WORM!  Yes, he volunteered to take the baby with him (Jo & Big E, I expect some comments on this - encouraging this behavior if you can get past your shock).  I almost told him not to (see the posts from 1/2, 12/16, 12/15. 12/11, 11/10...etc for reasons why I might suggest that he NOT take Worm along).  

So I have some free time, what do I do?  First I made mini hamburger patties.  Then I peeled and chopped potatoes.  Then I realized that I was spending my free time starting dinner so I mentally kicked myself in the ass and drank a small glass of wine.  

Why a small glass?  Two reasons.  Number one, Nomad is here.  Anything more than a small glass feels inappropriate.  Number two, that's all I had.

Anyway, the play-date (that term sounds really gay and slightly naughty, I will try to think of a better term) has gone so well that Nomad is going to stay for dinner.  I cannot tell you how happy I am to have another friend that I like having at my house.

We have one friend that I like already.  He is polite and really bright and lives in our neighborhood. Then, as a bonus, I like his mom enough to hang out with her socially.  All around the perfect friend for Huck.  Grandpa actually met them at McDonald's in a weird little bit of coincidence.  That is just one of the many reasons I will be eternally grateful to Grandpa.

But, back to Nomad.  It has worked out fabulous with him as well.  He is also polite.  This is much more important to me that I would have thought.  Spend a few hours (or minutes) with an impolite kid and then you will understand where I'm coming from.  Plus he is smart.  This is as important to me as I thought it would be.  Spend a few seconds with a dumb kid and you will want to smack him.  I know that sounds harsh, but it's my blog and I don't care what you think. 

So we now have another great kid in our lives.  As my t-shirt says, Life is Good.

So I am ready for the holidays to be OVER already

I was really excited about the holidays this year.  Having Huck out of school for Christmas break seemed like a good rest from the school day schedule we have been mired in.  On top of that Truck ends up taking about two weeks off for the holidays as well.  I was looking forward to two weeks with all my boys.

Okay, it was fun and all, but I'm just not that into it anymore.

I am ready for Huck to go back to school.  I am ready for Truck to go back to work.  I love them, but apparently I love them more in small doses.

Worm and I got up and dressed and went to Wal-Mart alone this morning. He hollered for popcorn chicken (see the Dec 11 post).  He dropped a lot of it.  He stole my pen (I shop with a list and cross it off as I go, yes I am that anal). He wrote on his face.  He scribbled on my list making some of my items appear crossed off before they made it in the cart (I didn't actually miss any items on my list, but it seriously bothered me to have them crossed off the list before they were in my cart.  YES I AM THAT ANAL). He wanted a drink, but not the drink I brought. He wanted cookies. I had to backtrack to the bakery for a cookie. He dropped his cookie.  He cried.  I went back to the bakery. He wanted some bee (see the Dec 16 post).  I had to buy some bee.  He pulled 10 packages of tortillas off a shelf.  He kicked me in the head while I picked up the tortillas. He got mad when I wouldn't let him throw apples.  

IT WAS FANTASTIC!  It was normal.  I want my airtight, stuck in a rut, school day schedule back.