Wednesday, January 7, 2009

So the mean OB-GYN from the movie "Knocked Up" works at my post office

Seriously.  He looks like a taller version of that guy.  But it was his craptastic attitude that sealed it.  I could totally imaging him grilling me about cigarettes and then saying "Do you want to do my job?  Do you want to just deliver that mail yourself.  Should I leave?"

Its after school so both kids are with me.  Huck is carrying the package to be mailed because I am carrying Worm.  I get up to the window and put Worm on the counter.  Post office guy gives me the I-don't-think-so one eyebrow raise thing (that I am seriously jealous of because I can't do it), so I put Worm on the floor.  I turn to get the package from Huck and he is all the way across the room.  I yell "bring it to me, please."  He brings me Mickey Mouse postcards.  I bite back the sarcastic thing I want to say and instead ask for the package in the nicest mommy voice I can muster.  

I am now ready to deal with the guy.  I turn to him and he says in a very snotty voice "I said, do you have something to mail?"  Now I bite back three sarcastic things I want to say (like: If I had heard you the first time don't you think I would have answered?  or: No, I love bringing my children to the post office, can we just stand here a minute? or my favorite: I bought those stamps that you make online with your kid's photo on them. However, they aren't all that photogenic and the stamps turned out ugly.  Can I get my money back?).  Instead I just hand him the package.  

While he is weighing it I accidentally pull some mini Three Musketeers from my coat pocket.  I was going to give them to Huck & Worm in the car for good behavior.  But they have been in my pocket too long and are all melty.  I can't give this to Worm, it will be a chocolate covered nightmare.  Too late, he saw them and is now saying CANDY CANDY CANDY.  

I calmly tell him no.  He begins to cry and yell CANDY CANDY CANDY.  Post office office guy gives me another dirty look.  I am tempted to give Worm the melty candy, put him back on the counter and say "Watch him for a minute while I go peruse the postcards with my older son."

Next, post office guy says: "I suppose you want to mail this as cheaply as possible."  Really? Like you couldn't have found a more polite way to phrase that?  Its not like you get a commission off your sales you bitter little civil servant man.  I explain that its a CANDY CANDY CANDY birthday gift and I would like it there by CANDY CANDY CANDY Friday.  He actually perks up at this because that means I will not be mailing it "as cheaply as possible" Whatever, dude.

It is now time to pay and I swipe my debit card.  Post office guy asks debit or credit.  I say debit, but he cannot hear me over the CANDY CANDY CANDY.  So he asks again in a really slow way like I am mentally challenged "Deeeh-bit or Creeeh-dit?"

Finally my transaction is complete.  I round up the boys and as I am walking out the door I turn and look back at him.  He is looking right at me and I think I can actually read his thoughts.  I am pretty sure he was thinking: Wow, I hope she comes back soon, she was hot.  

Not really.

But I did turn back to look at him and for some bizarre reason he smiles a genuine smile and waves. Whatever, dude.


  1. Ten bucks says the guy actually believes you were flirting with him. There are certain rules to be followed when dealing with these types: never make direct eye contact, keep all communication to an absolute minimum (one word answers are best), NEVER EVER smile at or around them, and NEVER EVER accidentally touch or allow yourself to be touched (oh yeah, just coming too close counts too - just like horse shoes and hand grenades).

    Unfortunately, we have developed a working protocol in these areas because my wife seems to attract all weirdoes and/or thugs in the immediate vicinity of wherever she is at the time (look at who she married). Anyway, because of this, I have developed an extremely sensitive and accurate "weirdar" which is going off loudly now.

    I can hear this self-proclaimed Postmaster MILF-Daddy now. "She'll be back. Yeah baby, they all come back" (perfect fit for the front counter area at a post office, huh?). All of this while drool emanates constantly from his half open mouth. In fact, it was probably beginning to puddle at about the spot where you placed Worm on the counter.

    Be afraid, be very afraid.

    Oh yes, I am wide awake at 4:00 a.m. and unable to sleep...

  2. I am a totally weirdo attracter too. Mrs. Big E & I have so much in common. If the guy has few or no teeth, he heads right for me. If the guy speaks broken English despite the fact that he is NOT from another country, he heads right for me. If he views bathing as an optional activity, he heads right for me. With both my pregnancies I attracted hispanic weirdos, apparently they like their women to be very obviously easy.

    I am awake at 4 a.m. a lot. Great minds are hard to shut down.